With the power of emotional intelligence, it is easy to navigate life’s ups and downs and achieve success in personal and professional relationships
Childhood is the most special time of our lives. It is the time of innocence, of being safe and secure in expressing our emotions as they are—raw and unfiltered. It is later in life that we begin to camouflage our real thoughts and feelings, sometimes it is the need of the hour, sometimes it is our individual makeup, sometimes we are unable to find the ways to express our emotions. Then, the situation takes another course.
My childhood was a safe and secure one. But my 20s were not. The safety net of my father’s work had slipped. Our joint family had dissolved ages back, but my father did not overcome the betrayal and the abandonment by his elder sister, whom he held akin to God. He felt discarded and this reflected in his behaviour. As their communication became nil, and she refused to talk or entertain him, his mental condition worsened.
Smash…. The loud sound of something breaking made us rush towards it. The small black and white TV now lay on the floor. He was screaming about us being a burden on him. His failure had become catastrophic for our lives; the screaming and the constant breaking of objects had become a norm at home.
This is just one of the many situations that we saw in decades till his passing. For many years, we battled our wounds in the same manner—with extreme reactions.
Without a thought, we emulated the irrational behaviour, thinking this was acceptable. We were young. Anything that did not go as desired was not acceptable and it meant screaming, breaking things or walking out in anger. It also meant getting into silly energy-draining squabbles at home. Our ignorance about our broken hearts and dreams turned us into an unhappy unit. We adopted a pattern of self-destruction.
Decades later, when it was time to go out in the world, as adults we faced many challenges. Since we had seen squabbles in a family set-up, our inability to handle other people just got us into more trouble—emotionally and materially.
Our inability to cope with the hardwired people shone through many a time. The innuendos and lack of warmth, including insulting and arrogant talk at the workplace, repulsed us. We were used to self-destruct, not retaliate or heal.
Broken hearts are complex. We were lost, unable to get our point of view across, build bridges and be comfortable in our own skin. Thereby, we adopted the same habit of becoming losers, and ultimately inflicting more harm to ourselves.
The only other response was shutting off, turning into a recluse, instead of taking a stand in creating a balanced relationship. It turned into a hunter and hunted relationship, with deep self-inflicting emotional wounds, haywire relationships and messy home-life.
Fortunately, decades of trying to find a way out of the complexities forced us to look inwards, into our broken hearts, dreams and behaviours.
Path to healing
In this inner journey, I discovered my spiritual quotient before I discovered my emotional quotient. While science and psychology talk a lot about emotional intelligence, they don’t touch upon the spiritual aspect. I turned to divination tools for personal growth and went for a Vipassana meditation retreat.
The sages of India were the wise men of the ancient world. They have left us many resources which help us find our way to the innermost core of our being—the spirit, the essence, the tiny voice within us, that connects us to our source of creation and wellbeing. The universe has designed us to be happy and abundant and simple meditative practices that unite us with our inner being guide us on the path of abundance.
From my experience, when we tap into this tiny voice, the invisible spirit, and listen to that, many of our problems get sorted out in a peaceful manner. Silence is very powerful and perhaps the biggest strength we have, as I learned during my Vipassana meditation retreat. Just a few minutes of this daily practice can bring a sea of change in the way we process our thoughts and emotions.
You can read about my meditative practices and all the therapies I practiced in the earlier posts.
Definition of Emotional Intelligence
Throughout the course of a single day, chances are you’ll experience a range of emotions—joy, frustration, contentment, sadness, anxiety—depending on how that particular day unfolds. As with other human traits, how you experience and express emotions is a result of both nature and nurture: your genetic legacy and the myriad experiences you live through, starting from the moment of your birth.
Like everything else, emotional traumas lead to a messy self. On the good side, we can create a whole new set of emotions that bring in peace, prosperity and joy.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and effectively use our own emotions and the emotions of others.
While some people will be naturally more adept at certain aspects, Emotional Intelligence can be learned, developed and enhanced. Emotional intelligence is often abbreviated as EI or EQ (Emotional Quotient).
By embracing the power of EI, we found ourselves better equipped to handle life’s challenges but also more capable of building fulfilling relationships and achieving personal and professional goals.
Understanding Emotional Intelligence
According to American psychologist Howard Gardner’s work titled Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences [1983], human intelligence comprises several distinct cognitive skills or abilities and emotional intelligence is a subset of these multiple intelligences.
An early theory of emotional intelligence was introduced in 1990 by the American social psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer, who defined it as “a subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.”
Cultivating Awareness
EI is a critical aspect of human interaction and self-awareness. Understanding and harnessing emotional intelligence can be a game-changer, leading to more meaningful relationships, improved mental well-being, and enhanced success in various aspects of life.
EI is measurable and has a downside as well. You can read about it here.
The 4 Pillars
Self-awareness: is the foundation of EI. It involves recognizing and understanding your own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, and triggers.
Self-regulation: Once you’re aware of your emotions, the next step is managing them effectively. Self-regulation involves controlling impulsive reactions and maintaining composure even in challenging situations.
Empathy: is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It enables you to connect on a deeper level with people, fostering trust and stronger relationships.
Social skills: Effective communication, conflict resolution, and building rapport with others are all essential social skills that come under the umbrella of emotional intelligence.
8 steps to development
Self-Reflection: Start by reflecting on your own emotions and reactions. Journaling or meditation can help gain insights into emotional patterns and triggers. Initially, when working on myself, I would often write down each emotion in detail and the reaction it would bring. For instance, anger was destruction. Passion was impulse. Sanity means blogging and sharing to heal!
Active Listening: in social gatherings or even one-on-one interactions. Try to understand the other person’s perspectives and feelings before responding. We, often, rant about our feelings or turbulences but don’t listen to the person we are ranting to. Maybe the other person isn’t in the mood to hear our story or maybe their perspective is more useful for us.
Empathy Building: Put yourself in others’ shoes to develop empathy. Try to understand their experiences, challenges, and emotions.
Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, can help you become more self-aware and improve self-regulation. I know it was the game-changer for me.
Seek Feedback: from trusted friends, family members, or colleagues. They may provide valuable insights into your emotional intelligence blind spots.
Be assertive and resilient: It is best to communicate your needs and wants in a clear and direct way. And then, it is also important to bounce back from setbacks and challenges.
Training and Resources: There are many books, workshops, and online courses available that can help you develop emotional intelligence skills.
Detachment: Perhaps, this is the most difficult of practices and only spiritual masters have been successful in this. When I say detachment, I do not mean staying away from the situation, I mean looking at it from outside. Look into the mirror and see the situation—what does it tell you when you are outside it. Be an observer and not a participant. Then, follow all the points given above.
I do try this many times, sinking into silence and observing myself, and eventually, the situation appears far smaller than my reaction and immediate response. It merits little action in the end. Sometimes, taking a step back is more important to defeat the demon, inner or outer. It’s important to prioritise your needs and then take your steps. Self-preservation has to be high to save your energy for more important tasks.
Manifold Benefits
Improved Relationships: Emotional intelligence allows us to navigate interpersonal relationships with greater ease. By understanding your own emotions and those of others, you can communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts amicably, and build stronger connections.
Enhanced Mental Health: Self-awareness and self-regulation can help manage stress, anxiety, and other negative emotions. By recognizing and addressing these emotions, we can enjoy better mental well-being.
Increased Professional Success: Leaders with high EQ often excel in leadership roles, as they can motivate and inspire teams, handle stress, and make sound decisions.
Conflict Resolution: Emotionally intelligent individuals are better equipped to handle conflicts and disagreements. They can de-escalate situations, find common ground, and work towards mutually beneficial solutions.
Research has shown that EI is a strong predictor of success in both personal and professional life. People with high EI are more likely to have happy and successful marriages, be promoted at work, and earn a higher salary. They are also more productive and creative. They are also people you enjoy spending time with.
As you embark on your journey to develop emotional intelligence, remember that it’s a lifelong process. The key to higher emotional intelligence is practice, practice and practice.
This post is a part of Truly Yours Holistic Emotions Blog Hop by Rakhi Jayashankar and Roma Gupta
This post is part of Blogchatter’s CauseAChatter.
Queen of Treasures 
This decade is all about getting in touch with our inner selves and I am glad for it. There is much to gain from being aware of our Emotional intelligence. Gaining an understanding of and ability to use emotional intelligence can change everything, resulting in more fulfilling relationships, better mental health, and increased success in a variety of spheres of life. Thank you for the reminder Ambica !
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I think the key to nurturing perseverance and facing every challenging situation despite being emotionally drained, is developing high EI so we can cope with the triggers and overcome the situation without losing our stability. I liked this post very much and you shared so much useful information about EI and EQ. Thanks for sharing them with us.
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I’m new to the world of blogging and using word press this is very interesting thank you for sharing !
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Detailed and Insightful post! I can see where I’m lacking and need to work. Self-regulation is where I’m trying to improve. I think aiming for perfection will be wrong so I’ll take it one day at a time!
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It’s a lifetime work, so just enjoy the journey. Emotions will keep and going till we are alive. 😛
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I wish I had all this information when I was young. Now I am trying my best but not able to change my mindset. Reached out to therapists to help me help myself but they asked me to help myself. If I could do that why would I go to a therapist? I know I have flaws, I know I have to learn to love my own company, and the attachments that I have and seek happiness outside when it should come from inside me.
Searching for a saviour.
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You are your own savior!
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Wow Ambica. A tight hug to you. When I started my Holistic Wellness journey, as you said everything was about mental and emotional help but once I got into the journey of being a spiritual coach, trust me my life changed 360 degree. Our emotions and spirituality are entangled and once we realise this, we live in bliss.
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Rakhi, I believe in the fact that we are spirit first and when we combine all body, mind and spirit, we are whole.. 😛 We need to learn the art of wholesomeness and holistic changes happen
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I agree with your post. But EI is a tough nut, and as you have rightly pointed out it comes with nothing but practice–this is the punchline!! can’t agree more. In today’s time with so much negativity around, we need to be aware and mindful of our own response and reaction that contributes to our inner peace.
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The key components that you have mentioned for emotional intelligence I agree with all of them. I do meditation, I talk to my inner self,I do SWOT analysis about my life and my understanding about self it helps me a lot. These days I remain saturated energy-wise due to my son but otherwise I am emotionally strong now and actually many negativity surrounding me are not bothering me anymore and what I feel is that my self-awareness helped me to overcome negativity in life. I am definitely an empathetic person, I listen, I observe and understand what others try to communicate and do my best to help them in whatever way I can. Detachment is something which I still need to learn but I feel that that time has not come and at the right time I will definitely try to incorporate it in my life. Mental health is very important to me and earlier I used to get affected by the harsh and poking words of people and that used to pain me. But now I learned to answer back such people and I trust me I am more composed and emotionally strong than before. Emotional intelligence helped me managed conflicting situations better with time and yes, I practice the art of developing and managing my emotional intelligence as in long run it is EI is going to help me survive in long run. These days I observe more and Talk less, I talk when it is required.
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Good! Over the decades I figured out listening and most of the times Forgetting it is the best gift you can give yourself. You don’t need so much input. Just stick to what works for you..one life, live it up with a balanced view 😀
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Emotional Intelligence is somewhere where I’m at. I’m totally detached from a lot of things and I always look at something from the outside. You said it, effort and practice helps you reach that zone eventually.
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It’s good to know that Emotional intelligence can be gained in life. I had the perception that EI is an innate quality. Being aware of emotions and controlling them according to situations is one of the best qualities of a person.
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Your insights on enhancing self-awareness and empathy are fantastic. The tools you’ve shared are invaluable for personal growth. This post makes understanding emotions and relationships feel more accessible and achievable.
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It’s remarkable how our childhood experiences can deeply shape our emotional responses throughout life. Learning to cultivate emotional intelligence seems like such a crucial step in creating a more balanced and fulfilling life. I love how you’ve outlined practical techniques for developing EI, like self-reflection and empathy building. It’s all about creating better connections and understanding ourselves better, isn’t it? Thank you for sharing your insights and personal journey.
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Ambica – your post is spot on. I will bookmark it as it resonates with me on so many things.
In search of answers, I visited our local library and requested the location of the spiritual section. The librarian pointed out that it is a sub-section within psychology. I sort of got into a discussion with him on why it should not be a sub-section. My life’s answers came to me via the quest for spiritual connection.
Through my workplace, I was able to take the 360 on EQ.
Sometimes I wonder why our schools do not teach about EI and EQ to complement the singular focus on IQ.
Loved the way you zoomed in on the intro and how you zoomed out to present the points on emotional wellness. Great blog!
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Thank you Sakshi. All the answers are within us, when the inner being is happy , it will radiate outside as well. This is the truth that spiritual masters have been teaching us. EI is taking stock of the mind and balancing it with heart and spirit. It’s something we keep doing for life keeps on flowing.
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One who is emotionally mature can adjust in any environment one is put. Wonderful thoughts.
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Thankfully we are finally waking up to the fact that emotional intelligence is just as important. I am a big believer in journaling to sort out my thoughts and pinpoint the triggers. Sometimes, it is just a brain dump but it feels cathartic.
Completely agree about detachment. We need to choose our battles and winning is not always important.
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True dat. We don’t need all the fights that come our way. We can choose to say no more fights 😊
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An insightful journey on the significance of emotional intelligence. Developing EQ is not just a skill, it’s a way of life! Enhancing self-awareness, regulating emotions, and fostering empathetic connections are the steppingstones to a more fulfilling life. #EmotionalIntelligence
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I would get anxious and react making people around me uncomfortable and also unhappy because of my behaviour. Including meditative practice and exercise in my daily routine helped my physical health but more importantly my emotional health. I liked your comprehensive blog post and thanks for sharing such valuable information.
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I realised far later in life that people are uncomfortable with truths and instant reactions..a little patience helps and both exercise and meditation help in that. 🙂
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Emotional intelligence plays a big role in carving our personality and improving our relationship with self and others. Although it takes some conscious work and discipline, once achieved it can lead to a much better quality of life. You’ve given such helpful pointers here. I think I need to pay attention towards detachment in my case.
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Agree with you that emotional intelligence is not something that can be learnt in a day or two. I loved your concept of detachment and believe that attaching oneself emotionally with something will not allow us to take important decisions in life.
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The tools mentioned for enhancing self-awareness and empathy are crucial in today’s world. I appreciate the practical advice provided, making it easier for readers to apply these skills in their daily lives. A well-written and enlightening read!
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Though I haven’t referred to it as building emotional intelligence, I’m on the exact path described by you as I attempt to deal with my own emotional turmoils. Good to know that my self-chosen methods align with the more scientific ones you have laid out.
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You said it right: to be emotionally strong, we should practice self-awareness. EQ plays a crucial role in leading a well-balanced life. These are the great and straight-forward points that one needs to work on.
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Emotional intelligence is something that everyone of us should have inculcated. It doesn’t come perfect overnight. It’s a process of continuous learning that can happen over the lifelong journey
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A v balanced and insightful piece on emotional intelligence buddy, thank you for sharing your journey, I agree so much to the spiritual wellness part I could not feel emotionally strong till I embraced spirituality in real sense
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Being assertive, effective and resilient all at the same time are one of the major complexities in life, and in deed to be emotionally intelligent, one needs to build up on those aspects.
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A well written article which captures a complex subject really well. EQ is such a game changer, especially for your own self and mind, and also your relationships. I find your article is literally like a reference document with actionable tips that one can apply today.
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We need more such educative posts and other ways to communicate the importance of emotional intelligence and ways to overcome difficult situations in life. One of the most favorite takeaways from this post is it’s important to step back at times and then mull over the situation, look at it from the observer’s eyes, and then try to find a solution. Instantly reacting to situations can lead to worse emotional and mental health
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In 2023 which is almost coming to an end we surely need to be more aware about empathy and what’s more important for us. Great to read your own struggle through the post
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Yes, emotionally, we need each other all the time and we must keep ourselves sane by being more aware.
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